oBsCuRe StUdIoS

Oh thanks you almighty and venerable Xenu! Finals are nearly over for many of us which, for oBsCuRe StUdIoS, means that we have way more free time on our hands. Yay for those who follow the obscurity like cocaine!

So, just to kick things off, I'll tell you all what this means. Finals are the time of the semester when students become irate, cranky, lazy, and altogether unpleasant. Some people deal with their overwhelming stress and anxiety by brooding secretly in a dark corner listening to Creed, or some crap like that. Anything emo will do. However, though this group of deadly doom-sayers is definitely diabolical, they are few and far to find, being they spend every ounce of free time sleeping or walking from class to class plugged into an iPod with their head facing the ground. I would like to issue a warning to avoid groups of these people conglomerating together, as the storm clouds that gather above their heads could result in fairly severe lightning strikes, or at least finding a dead hamster in your backpack with a poorly written, and obviously forged, suicide note. Moving on.

These back-bent creatures also have cravings for mozzarella tuna, iced milk, and other combinations of foods. Pizza will taste good dunked in soda, and the attitude that junk food also "ages like fine wine" seems to be popular. No wonder dorms are cesspools of diseases...

This is uncomfortable. Let's move on.

The time of finals brings out sides of people previously described with words like "timid", "sane", and "who are we talking about again?" Normal human beings suddenly become irate, cranky, and altogether unpleasant. Be warned of extremely severe mood swings induced by even the slightest mention of anything educationally related, when not in an educational/institutional setting.

Having set forward these points, I come to a rather bold conclusion. There is a condition far more deadly than the swine flu spreading the country, and I am afraid that, if left unchecked, it could leave most of the country severely pissed off, and that's just lame.

Are you ready? You might want to take a seat. It's a condition I have termed "PMS", or "Procrastination Make-up Syndrome". It results from putting off all the books your professors have asked you to read over the course of the semester until the week before the final exam, which your professor has indicated is comprehensive and will contain 50% of its content from assigned readings, which you have neglected to do so you could "recharge your batteries from that crazy night of partying". Approximately a week or so before finals, PMS kicks in with ostensible symptoms, notably those listed above.

If you suspect that you, or someone you know, has contracted PMS, isolate that person and try to placate their wrath until the proper authorities arrive.

For more information, you should contact www.pms.org.

I hope you all become aware of this epidemic sweeping the nation, and you all take some time to enjoy the fine weather!

Peace out!